Gotta love amazon, all those DVDs i ordered already shipped and should be at my home soon, all with free shipping. Yeah turns out i am having trouble sleeping which is always fun. My dreams haven't been helping also, they just haven't been friendly. I bought a new iphone app for a $1 which is supposed to make taking night pictures better and i don't particularly know if it works but i was playing with it. I got this snazzy picture, i really like it. Other then that i have been surfing youtube and i found Tayor Swift and i actually like her music... sort of. It's an interesting blend of pop-rock/country and i do enjoy some of her songs but many of them are too "boy sweeps girl off her feet" for me to relate. Amazon seems to be having their "Cyber Monday" sale starting now and i just picked up Little Big Planet for $40. Ugh my mother wont be happy but when is she ever. I wonder if i should shave tomorrow, i really don't feel like it but i should try and start cleaning up. I don't want to give an aura of being a bum and that i am so broken up still. I will go to the clump for an hour tomorrow if i am up to it. I really don't want to have to talk to people but i doubt it is going to half as bad as i expect. On the other hand people like talking to me. This is just tiring, I am going to try and sleep again.
Guh this is going to be a mistake. I mean look at it. It's so much pizza. I have to order this sometime this week but i can't see it ending well. It looks amazing and disgusting at the same time.
I am going through and recollecting all my lost music from earlier this year and it is an interesting trip. I forgot how much i loved From Under the Cork and How to Save a Life. I also went back and found one of my favorite CD's, Astro Lounge from Smash Mouth. This throw away band really did release a CD 10 years a head of it's time with easy listening music that mixes at least a dozen styles of music. It really is a trip to listen to. I haven't been sleeping well so it's time i get to bed and prentend to try and sleep for a few hours while listening to music.
"let me know, do i still got time to grow things aint always set in stone with that being, let me know let me
seems like streetlights glowing happened to be just like moments passing, in front of me so i hopped in, the cab and i paid my fair, see i know my, destination but im just not there"
Kanye West's new CD '808 and Heartbreak' is simply fantastic. A heartfelt CD about break ups and heartache has really hit a tone with me at this point in my life. The song 'Street Lights' is just amazing. It's an angry CD but it has really made me feel better. The Killers have also come out with a great new CD which i picked up for $4 in an Amazon mp3 sale. The song 'Spaceman' has something about it that has hooked me. While both CDs have fantastic lyrics the '808 and Heartbreak' touches something deeper beyond simple pop or rap.
I went home for thanksgiving and it's black friday. I used to love Black Friday. The crowds, the people, the deals, the new DVDs i would buy and then enjoy for the next year. Guess i'm not in the mood for it this year, i ordered whatever deals i could find on Amazon and pretty much gave up on the rest. I ordered Supernatural season 2+3, Venture Bros Season 1+2 (this is something that not enough people at the clump have watched) and the T.I. Paper Trail CD. I had a huge list of things and maybe i'll head out and pick up some more DVDs tomorrow but odds are everything will be gone. I realized i wouldn't be happy about the break up but i am not liking how my mood is sitting at a depressed-bitterness. I canceled the Rock Band endless setlist thing because i was not in the mood for it and now me not doing Black Friday is just not normal for me. Seems that i don't take being broken up with that well. I have been avoiding Facebook, AIM, and the clump mostly because i am just tired. I don't want to deal with people, i don't want to deal with questions and i don't want to deal with the looks. I feel like an idiot already but i guess thats not going to change any time soon. I am just very tired and it's one of those things that does not get better with more sleep. Maybe i can pretend it's just my sleep cycle.
Now that i'm home i have found out i don't have anything to eat up my time. I don't feel like spending the break studying and my PS3 and 360 are at school. I have books but reading just hasn't been able to keep my attention recently. I have my Wii so thats something but i am not a particular fan of Wii games. I really just need to get out of my own head, i am just driving myself crazy. I think i need to make a better pick in women and relationships because i can't keep doing this to myself. It is a rattling feeling to think that something as basic as attraction could be flawed in a person but i prove the worst of people. I'm not talking about the generic, 'oh i guess she is hot.' but the people i actually care about. I always assumed that the people i was interested in were good people but they never end up being good for me. If i can't trust that the people i care about are right then what the hell am i supposed to believe? I am making mistakes that are just causing me pain and i ether just need to give up or find some way to fix it. And while i would love to think i made these choices because i lost my weight but i know if i had the confidence earlier i would haven't have changed anything. I am done trying to do the right thing constantly, i am burned out and i give up. Relationships just don't work for me and i never end up doing well. I am terrible at this moving on thing and i need to be far more careful. After 3 years i am worn down. Having no prospects for the future is also rather depressing. Being in a time of transition has left me adrift. I have to refocus this energy into something productive like the gym. I should start lifting but i have no idea if i have lost enough weight to affect how my body looks. If i have to lose 10 more pound i doubt i can handle it. I just don't know what to do at this point. I have changed my major and even told my parents and i should be happy but alas i am not. I know i should go try and hang out with people but i just don't want to. I know i should start going to the weight room but i just don't want to. I am trapped in my head, in my memories and it is the worst place for me to be. I know my destination but i'm just not there.
I still haven't figured out if writing makes me feel better or putting things like this just overwhelms me. Plus i always think i am going to proof read and i never do and i feel bad about it. Bah, at least i watched a lot of Football today.
"Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself Where did it all go wrong? But the list goes on and on Truth be told I miss you Truth be told I'm lying
When you see my face I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell When you walk my way I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell If you find a man that's worth the damn and treats you well Then he's a fool you're just as well hope it gives you hell
Now you'll never see What you've done to me You can take back your memories They're no good to me And here's all your lies If you look me in the eyes With the sad, sad look That you wear so well
When you see my face I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell When you walk my way I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell If you find a man that's worth the damn and treats you well Then he's a fool you're just as well hope it gives you hell"
[Chorus] In the night, I hear 'em talk, the coldest story ever told Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless.. How could you be so heartless? Oh.. How could you be so heartless?
[Verse 2] How could be so Dr. Evil, you bringin' out a side of me that I dont know.. I decided we weren't gon' speak so Why we up 3 A.M. on the phone Why does she be so mad at me fo' Homie I dont know, she's hot and cold I won't stop, I won't mess my groove up 'Cause I already know how this thing go You run and tell your friends that you're leaving me They say that they don't see what you see in me You wait a couple months then you gon' see You'll never find nobody better than me
Well it's the blog i like to pretend i don't have but acts as a fantastic journal when i want to rant about something and only have myself read it in 3 months. Anyways life has moved on for me. My weight loss is staying at 175... or around that. It seems to be always above that but I'll worry about that later. I am trying to build muscle weight from here on out but i don't know how that will work out at this point. Turns out i will be going to the Jacks Mannequin concert later today which will be fun. It is on their 'The Glass Passenger' CD which was not as good as their first because it just wasn't filled with as many hooks but musically is still a good CD. I am going out with Carrie now which is something interesting to say the least. WoW isn't going well with my horrible failure at time management. Wrath of the Lich King came out last week and things have not worked out in my favor at all because of my stupidity. I am pretending to do an essay right but instead writing here, maybe this will help get through my pretend writers block. In other music news, the new Fallout Boy CD will be released in little less then a month now and i can not wait. I think i can register for classes today actually, that will be interesting. I have unofficially changed my major to pysc and am considering a Bio Minor along with a poly sci degree but who knows. Epic failure on my part but i will have to move on. Other then me not playing WOTLK i have not been doing anything different on the video game front. I have missed out on most major game releases at the moment. I have a borrowed copy of Fable 2 but i am nowhere in it, haven't played Gears of War 2, Resistance 2, Little Big Planet or any other of the million big games released this holiday season. At least it feels that i am spending less money now. Doing things with friends costs money but it is a lot less then buying $60 games at least once a month. My goal on becoming less materialistic is becoming a bit better i would say. While i am not there yet i can control the little kid inside of me and wait for things now. Well most things i guess, i still got Wrath of the Lich King at midnight but i doubt i will ever go and buy a video game system at launch for full price. This growing up thing is terrible, i knew i hated it for some reason. At least the people you hang out with when your older is far better then high school. I have been spending time with real life friends this year and it seems that all of us have less time to spend. Chris has Krys, Tim has Amy, and now i am spending time with Carrie. Other then that i have been hanging out with Dan which is always good times.
I guess i should put my idea of relationships down in words but i don't have much to say. All this is new to me and my personality of worrying just seems to take over sometimes. I guess the faults of my father will haunt me for the rest of my life but that's how it works out when your just not as smart as your parents. I really don't know how any of this stuff works and many of my examples are just fake or tainted anyways so i am just letting things happen and expecting nothing. Putting this down on paper where anyone can read it is killing me but it is something i should do none the less. It is an interesting time in my life none the less, learning a lot about people and not just in this relationship case. Very different to say the least, I don't know what else to say. Family is an interesting idea to me, i do believe we are built upon the legacy of our parents and it is one of those things that i believe i will never be able to match up to mine. Whats sad in my case is my parents have no faith that i can so they expect nothing even though they should. I actually have to deal with my parents and this relationship within the next month or so will be interesting but i am expecting nothing big. I don't know things will work out with anything but at least i have this written down for posterity. Who knows where or what i will be doing in one, two, five, ten years but i will have this down and i can come back to see. Guess that is the magic of a journal, you can see the evolution of a person as times go on. People never stop changing so i guess it's something beautiful. I really hope no one else is reading this, my rantings at now 3 AM make me sound crazy. But i do have a lot on my mind and every man needs his or her release. Many people find solace in others but i enjoy finding solace in myself, maybe due to lack of trust or an over active imagination but if you can't find happiness without anyones help you can't really find it at all. Of course this method leaves one kind of bitter so maybe it does not work so well. Maybe i'll find someone to talk to. I have not been as stressed this semester though. I dropped too many classes i guess and have been getting enough sleep. I feel healthier actually but i don't think i really am. I guess the stress from a social life eats away at you differently then stress from work. I don't know which one is worse but i will hate having to encounter both at the same time.But i think i might be complaining for the sake of complaining, things in my life are going far better then they should and knowing me i will screw something up majorly but at the moment life is going smooth as usual if not a lot more busy.
There is this horrible feeling that has been growing in my since i joined college that these late nights i spend working never seem to really leave me. They slowly but surely eat away at me and i am a little less then what i was before after it all. Sure i recover some but i am always a little more tired then before. A little slower. A little older but no wiser. It is almost haunting what our generation has become, an army of 3 AM workers that might burn out at the age of 55. We have elected the youngest president in united states history but we as the Emo/depressed/repressed generation wont be able to enjoy the joyful suffering of our labor. Is this how people start to burn out in college? I see people around me having this problem but is this really normal? Should we be like this? Maybe it is worse (well i can't say worse but different) for me because i have not found that one thing that i love doing. Dan loves Econ, Carrie loves compsci, Debbie loves English, Tim loves Chem. I love... slacking off? Maybe i suffer more because my labor is rewarded with more suffering. I am changing majors but i don't even know if i love psyc. And an actual personal life will probably eat away at a man. I have seen friends break due to this stuff. I mean break mentally. They don't recover from the stress and i don't want that happening to me. On the other hand i will not be a coward to future and progress but these are real things to think about. Maybe thats just how this country was built. The nation of the silent man who has a decent midlife crisis is because he never resolved issues at my age. The quest for inner peace is not a short term goal and is an always evolving one so maybe one day i can find peace not only in myself but the faith to find it in someone else as well. Feels like i repeat the same things over and over again but i might just be getting slightly closer this time. Last time i forced my self to work out something drastic i ended up losing my weight. I am at the point in my life where i can actually achieve some of my goals and turn some things around and become the person i want to be. I believe i will look back at my life and this will be the crucial point whether i made the right choices or not. For better or worse i feel the wind of change blowing and the only casualty is my youth.
An interesting time to be honest, it seems to be a transitional time for many people. Many people have changed and are actually growing up. No one is getting ready to have kids or anything but it is the little things that define a man and when they change it is always interesting. I can't look through the looking glass back at myself but i think i might be changing too but i can't really consider that really. It is interesting to see peoples response to things changing. Many people see things changing and do not like it but realize that they have no control on the world around them even though they thought they had more of an effect on it. When people change and move on without you even knowing it can be a shocking thing so people tend to latch on to whatever is left. I can't say i would enjoy seeing the status quo leaving me behind, it is a scary thing especially when you are being passed by your friends. I dunno maybe i am just crazy but some people are beginning to transition into the whole graduation period and others are not and many people are just not in that mode. Some people will never really change from what they are and will always be like this. Ok i have wasted enough time talking about what i shouldn't and thinking about things i don't need to.
Oh i have started cooking and i am going to start posting recipes here once they are mastered. Or i might start a new blog for that, don't want to mix business and pleasure (or i guess business and crazy.) I really hope no one reads, I really shouldn't post things at 2:30 AM.
I will be making my Sweet and Sour Chicken later today so i will see how that turns out. I have my Chicken Parm, my sauce, my grilled cheese and uh. I know i can make more things then that, i just have to think. Oh and my soup, yeah i love that soup. Hmmm i know i can make more things i just have to think. Oh well, they will come to me eventually. On to my Essay.
PS: TI paper trail is one interesting CD, some vulgar hip hop but it a well arranged CD that has some sick beats. I am hooked.
PSS: An apology to future me, i know i have horrible spelling errors in this blog but they will have to stay like that for a while. The flow will also be terrible due to me writing it in multiple attempts. I might go through it over the weekend and clean it up a bit but i have a feeling i will forget. Price you have to pay, the openness of 3 AM comes with horrible spelling and thought processes. At least i cleared my mind a bit...
