Sound of Settling

American Pie the American Life

I hate writing. I hate blogging to be more exact. Being able to go back and read the stupid shit i write now makes me feel like an idiot later but whats important now will be important forever in the fact that I'll never really forget the baggage that I will pick up. The song American Pie has had such an impact on my life it is so easy to forget. I remember hearing the song in daycare during Kindergarten and it struck me that this was music. I didn't understand any of the song back then but one of the only things i had trouble understanding at that age was music and the lyrics. I heard this song again really during middle school and the chorus kind of struck me as something amazing but i ignored the rest of the song really. Now almost a decade later i have found this song again it's the lyrics that are really striking me. To me it's a story of a man telling about his American life and he hears about his high school love's husband die. The part where he loses the girl watching her dance with the other boy in the gym with their shoes off actually made me cry. The image of the boy's heart being crushed hit me extremely hard. It's the sort of thing that doesn't matter really in the long term sense of things but honestly it was a major part of him that will always stick with him. That bothers me now, my concerns and issues wont matter in the future. The people who aren't my family will leave and while they maybe important to me now I'll look back with how they changed me but all the importance will fade away. That thought makes me sad honestly, to realize that your emotions wont last and your beliefs are fleeting is not a belief of a young man. Things are supposed to last forever and i am supposed to believe that i will think like this forever but is it too late for a 20 year old? Have my views changed in the past 10 years for me? Past 5? Past 1 year? If i can't hold on to people or things for that long how can hold on to things for even longer? I know things are not static and people change but even now i have so much trouble getting emotion from other people. The people around me matter to me but do i matter to them? The girls i care about but only respond in words and not actions? My guy friends who let the world ignore everyone around them when not bothered? I am always left feeling like no one cares about me and it really takes the wind out of my sails, I try my best and in the end i wont be more then a fading memory to the people around me that they will recall when they are older. I am that "Hey remember that crazy brown guy in college, what was his name? What ever happened to him?" I'll try to keep my bonds with these people up but i always give up after a while because i feel like they don't care and honestly they don't. College will leave me with friends left in the dust and girls i care about who I'll have to watch from a distance because they will have their own ways to go without me. Should i just live for now or should i give up on the people around me? I can't hold people to me, the story of my best friends is that they leave if i like it or not and it seems to be the same with the girls i care about. Sure they might stick around but it's not in the relationship sense which seems to be the eternal tease. I feel like an idiot for caring about people now, they will never care back and i am becoming jaded before it even starts. I am just tired now but i am just lost at this moment in my life. I don't know where my relationships are going, i don't know where my classes are going, i don't know where my friendships are going, i don't know where my love is going and i don't know where I am going. Everyday people get a little colder. Even the ones who are supposed to care about me and even the ones i love. Things have never been brighter in a world that has never been darker. I should be happy, i have every reason to be happy but things just don't work out like that and i need some help really. I asked god to help me find a girlfriend and he has a fantastic sense of humor, get and you will receieve but it's never what you wanted exactly or what you expected. I'm not just doubting my relationship but all of my relationships.



Did you write the book of love,
And do you have faith in God above,
If the Bible tells you so?
Do you believe in rock 'n roll,
Can music save your mortal soul,
And can you teach me how to dance real slow?

Well, I know that you're in love with him
`cause I saw you dancin' in the gym.
You both kicked off your shoes.
Man, I dig those rhythm and blues.

I was a lonely teenage broncin' buck
With a pink carnation and a pickup truck,
But I knew I was out of luck
The day the music died.

I started singin',
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye
And singin', "this'll be the day that I die.
"this'll be the day that I die."

What makes the one to shake you down?

what makes the one to shake you down?
each touch belongs to each new sound
say now you want to shake me too
move down to me, slip into you

and i'll be fine, you'll be fine
is this fine? im not fine
give me pieces, give me things to stay awake

Sometimes goodbye is a second chance

Tom Green- He's not dead!