All I want to do is Dream Dream Dream

It's odd but my mind tells fantastic stories while i sleep sometimes. A few nights ago i dreamt about an old detective story with intricate twists and turns. What was odd is that i knew that i was in some sort of non real world so i started thinking outside of the box. But when that occurred my mind compensated and made the mysteries of the dream more intricate. It was like knowing that you were in a sherlock holmes story but the story grounded and compelling enough to pull you in anyways. Very interesting, i should consider it a learning experience on how to pull the participant not only into a story but into a narrative.

Nintendo and Sony just had E3, I just took a test and I have to move out today. Busy and stressed, have to get a lot done quickly.

May First

So i just took a test and it went well, Experimental Psyc isn't so bad if you pay attention, he goes over the material many times. I saw uncle yesterday and that was fun, he seems to be doing well. I have a long list of things to do today: I need to pick up my room key and start cleaning and moving, go the pool, study for my health test tomorrow and sign up for classes. E3 starts sorta today too with the Microsoft press conference today which should be fun, they don't have too many leaks so i am expecting a megaton other then that terrible vision camera. I am really looking forward to E3 this year, it looks to be fantastic! I had a fruit cup a moment ago and it was fantastic so this day seems to be going well enough.

Need to study today, test tomorrow. Picking my uncle up from the air port and then going home. Dan's getting 'liberty spikes' @ my apartment, Carrie and ed will be there too, should be fun.

Emerging studies

So I am just worried now and tired. School is getting to crunch time and my grades have been getting worse which is stressful in their own right. Then I have relationship issues and I am guessing that's not helping I am guessing. Or maybe it's one of thoes terrible things where one is making the other worse in this terrible loop. I have a lot of work with essays and studying and I need to do well on my next 2 physiological tests or I am screwed. Random other notes: Losts 100 th episode is on wenesday, jets fixed up their D in free agency and drafted a running back and QB. With a new head coach the jets have made a big splash and are just interesting now. Sanchez might be a starter but even as a backup they feel like they are ready to bust into the post season. I am just tired at the moment and this relationship stress us only building, I need to relax but I don't think I have the time.

Sound of Settling

American Pie the American Life

I hate writing. I hate blogging to be more exact. Being able to go back and read the stupid shit i write now makes me feel like an idiot later but whats important now will be important forever in the fact that I'll never really forget the baggage that I will pick up. The song American Pie has had such an impact on my life it is so easy to forget. I remember hearing the song in daycare during Kindergarten and it struck me that this was music. I didn't understand any of the song back then but one of the only things i had trouble understanding at that age was music and the lyrics. I heard this song again really during middle school and the chorus kind of struck me as something amazing but i ignored the rest of the song really. Now almost a decade later i have found this song again it's the lyrics that are really striking me. To me it's a story of a man telling about his American life and he hears about his high school love's husband die. The part where he loses the girl watching her dance with the other boy in the gym with their shoes off actually made me cry. The image of the boy's heart being crushed hit me extremely hard. It's the sort of thing that doesn't matter really in the long term sense of things but honestly it was a major part of him that will always stick with him. That bothers me now, my concerns and issues wont matter in the future. The people who aren't my family will leave and while they maybe important to me now I'll look back with how they changed me but all the importance will fade away. That thought makes me sad honestly, to realize that your emotions wont last and your beliefs are fleeting is not a belief of a young man. Things are supposed to last forever and i am supposed to believe that i will think like this forever but is it too late for a 20 year old? Have my views changed in the past 10 years for me? Past 5? Past 1 year? If i can't hold on to people or things for that long how can hold on to things for even longer? I know things are not static and people change but even now i have so much trouble getting emotion from other people. The people around me matter to me but do i matter to them? The girls i care about but only respond in words and not actions? My guy friends who let the world ignore everyone around them when not bothered? I am always left feeling like no one cares about me and it really takes the wind out of my sails, I try my best and in the end i wont be more then a fading memory to the people around me that they will recall when they are older. I am that "Hey remember that crazy brown guy in college, what was his name? What ever happened to him?" I'll try to keep my bonds with these people up but i always give up after a while because i feel like they don't care and honestly they don't. College will leave me with friends left in the dust and girls i care about who I'll have to watch from a distance because they will have their own ways to go without me. Should i just live for now or should i give up on the people around me? I can't hold people to me, the story of my best friends is that they leave if i like it or not and it seems to be the same with the girls i care about. Sure they might stick around but it's not in the relationship sense which seems to be the eternal tease. I feel like an idiot for caring about people now, they will never care back and i am becoming jaded before it even starts. I am just tired now but i am just lost at this moment in my life. I don't know where my relationships are going, i don't know where my classes are going, i don't know where my friendships are going, i don't know where my love is going and i don't know where I am going. Everyday people get a little colder. Even the ones who are supposed to care about me and even the ones i love. Things have never been brighter in a world that has never been darker. I should be happy, i have every reason to be happy but things just don't work out like that and i need some help really. I asked god to help me find a girlfriend and he has a fantastic sense of humor, get and you will receieve but it's never what you wanted exactly or what you expected. I'm not just doubting my relationship but all of my relationships.



Did you write the book of love,
And do you have faith in God above,
If the Bible tells you so?
Do you believe in rock 'n roll,
Can music save your mortal soul,
And can you teach me how to dance real slow?

Well, I know that you're in love with him
`cause I saw you dancin' in the gym.
You both kicked off your shoes.
Man, I dig those rhythm and blues.

I was a lonely teenage broncin' buck
With a pink carnation and a pickup truck,
But I knew I was out of luck
The day the music died.

I started singin',
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye
And singin', "this'll be the day that I die.
"this'll be the day that I die."