Unseal the Hushed Casket: December 2008

So i went home after my classes and the internet died very quickly. This left me surfing the net on my iphone which is not so much fun. It left me cut off from the world and very uncomfortable. Mind you it was my fault, i refused to fix it but that is my own problem what is important is now that i have it back it feels almost opposite and i feel like i am wasting my time on the internet. Am i learning anything? Really doing anything interesting or productive? Maybe it's just growing up but i think i am getting bored of the internet and am looking for something more.

I have been trying to get back into gaming but the older i get the more picky i get with games. I enjoyed Gears of War 2 but i am not done with it yet, about 60% done i would say. Its the older games that i have bought and am trying to enjoy that i just have not been able to. I tried to enjoy Metal Gear Solid 4 and i am just not getting into it. It got nearly perfect scores and i just seem to get through the Second Act which is just surprising. I have been playing a bit of Little Big Planet and it really is fun but it could be better honestly. I don't know, platformers are not my type of game but this appeals me on a certain level and overly frustrates me on another. The business idea is an interesting one for LBP though, a difficult non childrens game is held to a higher standard for cleanliness and avoidance of anything that might offend anyone. I will go back to my room and play Fallout 3 and Fable 2 because i need something that will capture my attention, most of the games i have tried have been passing distractions at best.

Anyways what i am saying is that i seem to be getting bored of everything, i am not enjoying my old pastimes. Before i would spend ours playing video games and now most of the things i am playing just are not fun. The internet is not holding my attention and i don't know. Maybe it's just where i am in life with everything. My life is seriously insane at the moment. I have no idea how to handle the women in my life and love life (or the lack of it?) I feel like nothing i do has any real affect on anything that happens, i am just watching horrible events transpire in front of me and people keep on hurting me. Yes i know i'm not some innocent joe but i do the best the can and put my best foot forward. I watch these girls do what they want for their own reasons while i sit here and suffer and i guess it is a big thing that people want to remain in control of their lives but i just want to feel like i am having an effect for the positive opposed to just watching everything collapse around me.

December 08 is an impressive and confusing one for me. With fallout from girls, then finals which absolutely destroyed me and then dealing with girls again. And again. And AGAIN. This month just wont stop messing with my head and someone or something is just having fun with me and my suffering. I have no idea what to do at this point and nothing is giving me pleasure, not my normal pastimes and loneliness is an easy emotion to feel when someone really is alone. It is easy for me to feel hurt but that gets me nowhere. I keep on looking for things to distract me but nothing seems to be working. I am going on vacation will be somewhat cathartic because i'll be getting away from everyone and everything but that does not mean that i will be getting away from my mind. The month has less then 30 hours on it and i can only hope things stabilize next year. I have no idea if they will be i am living on a prayer here, if things do not get more normal i don't know how much longer i can take this stuff. It is ironic that most of my life i would have killed for the attention of one girl and now it is clear that the world is having a great laugh at my expense. Attention is not my problem but possibilities are lacking and the fact that the female gender is crazy does not help me at all. I have the sinking feeling that everything will calm down soon enough and i will be left alone and lonely again soon enough. Otherwise i will learn my stretching point soon enough.

With this internet lacking time in my life i have been listening to a ton of music and just enjoying it all. Listening to old things like my favorite old Fall Out Boy CDs or the new Kanye West '808 and Heartbreak' i have just been enjoying it all. I did some cooking and made a rather good vegetable sauce which is not only heavy but is rather healthy. Other then that i have been suffering in my own little mind. I guess i should write more, if anything else it is a healthy habit. I will be going back to World of Warcraft and see if i can get some enjoyment from that along with playing some other games.

My new years resolutions will be just to read and learn about psychology through wikipedia because if i will be successful i need to actually try with this major. I will read my textbook and learn about what i mean taught. I will write about people i see around me, i will write about the subject and i will become good at it. I have also resolved to gain some muscle weight. Even though i think i look ok i can always do better, i don't want to sit here and just be ok with my life when things can be made better.

It is funny because looking around my life is supposed to be easy but it never is.It feels like i drive myself crazy doing nothing at all, just worrying about the world. Guess that just makes me crazy but hopefully i can make something good out of my crazy.