'I know my destination but i'm just not there'

Kanye West's new CD '808 and Heartbreak' is simply fantastic. A heartfelt CD about break ups and heartache has really hit a tone with me at this point in my life. The song 'Street Lights' is just amazing. It's an angry CD but it has really made me feel better. The Killers have also come out with a great new CD which i picked up for $4 in an Amazon mp3 sale. The song 'Spaceman' has something about it that has hooked me. While both CDs have fantastic lyrics the '808 and Heartbreak' touches something deeper beyond simple pop or rap.

I went home for thanksgiving and it's black friday. I used to love Black Friday. The crowds, the people, the deals, the new DVDs i would buy and then enjoy for the next year. Guess i'm not in the mood for it this year, i ordered whatever deals i could find on Amazon and pretty much gave up on the rest. I ordered Supernatural season 2+3, Venture Bros Season 1+2 (this is something that not enough people at the clump have watched) and the T.I. Paper Trail CD. I had a huge list of things and maybe i'll head out and pick up some more DVDs tomorrow but odds are everything will be gone. I realized i wouldn't be happy about the break up but i am not liking how my mood is sitting at a depressed-bitterness. I canceled the Rock Band endless setlist thing because i was not in the mood for it and now me not doing Black Friday is just not normal for me. Seems that i don't take being broken up with that well. I have been avoiding Facebook, AIM, and the clump mostly because i am just tired. I don't want to deal with people, i don't want to deal with questions and i don't want to deal with the looks. I feel like an idiot already but i guess thats not going to change any time soon. I am just very tired and it's one of those things that does not get better with more sleep. Maybe i can pretend it's just my sleep cycle.

Now that i'm home i have found out i don't have anything to eat up my time. I don't feel like spending the break studying and my PS3 and 360 are at school. I have books but reading just hasn't been able to keep my attention recently. I have my Wii so thats something but i am not a particular fan of Wii games. I really just need to get out of my own head, i am just driving myself crazy. I think i need to make a better pick in women and relationships because i can't keep doing this to myself. It is a rattling feeling to think that something as basic as attraction could be flawed in a person but i prove the worst of people. I'm not talking about the generic, 'oh i guess she is hot.' but the people i actually care about. I always assumed that the people i was interested in were good people but they never end up being good for me. If i can't trust that the people i care about are right then what the hell am i supposed to believe? I am making mistakes that are just causing me pain and i ether just need to give up or find some way to fix it. And while i would love to think i made these choices because i lost my weight but i know if i had the confidence earlier i would haven't have changed anything. I am done trying to do the right thing constantly, i am burned out and i give up. Relationships just don't work for me and i never end up doing well. I am terrible at this moving on thing and i need to be far more careful. After 3 years i am worn down. Having no prospects for the future is also rather depressing. Being in a time of transition has left me adrift. I have to refocus this energy into something productive like the gym. I should start lifting but i have no idea if i have lost enough weight to affect how my body looks. If i have to lose 10 more pound i doubt i can handle it. I just don't know what to do at this point. I have changed my major and even told my parents and i should be happy but alas i am not. I know i should go try and hang out with people but i just don't want to. I know i should start going to the weight room but i just don't want to. I am trapped in my head, in my memories and it is the worst place for me to be. I know my destination but i'm just not there.

I still haven't figured out if writing makes me feel better or putting things like this just overwhelms me. Plus i always think i am going to proof read and i never do and i feel bad about it. Bah, at least i watched a lot of Football today.